At My Worst

You know what I really hate?

Eeyore.

eeyore_3

When I see him, I get angry. I want to punch his sad mopey face. He is always sad. Always a party pooper even though he is surrounded by friends. He walks slow. He is hunchy and shuffling.

You know why he drives me so crazy? He is the visual representation of me at my worst. The part of me I am afraid I people are going to see and no longer like me. They will see how I get depressed for no reason.  They will see how sad and tired I feel sometimes. They might see how I withdraw and yet try to silently shout my needs non-verbally.  When I am deep in my space of “not-enoughness” and I see a picture of Eeyore, it makes me sick.  I sometimes forget all of my kindness practice and I am not kind to me. I feel angry and impatient with myself  that I can’t be different in the moment, that I can’t just talk myself out of this place.

I find it impossible to offer Eeyore any compassion. Fuck, dude. Pull your shit together. You are surrounded by happy friends. You are alive and besides the fact your tail constantly falls off you seem to have your health.  Be happy dammit.

Ok, maybe it is myself I can’t offer compassion to in those moments.  I still have work to do… in breathing, allowing, being kind when its the last thing I feel like doing.

Do you have a something/someone that represents you at your low points?