Over the past year, I have moved from a pretty open schedule to a more demanding one due to becoming a business owner. I love what I am doing. I love being able to learn and grow and nurture a business that means a lot to me.
I have been working at better time management – scheduling my day, prioritizing my to do list, delegating things when I can. I am finding, however, I am having a harder time letting things go when it is time just to hang out with my husband or allow for reading time. I feel the pull of needing to do MORE with my time. It feels harder to be able sit and just be or to allow myself a nap or other down time. Busy must feel good to my brain and it wants to be occupied and working on something rather than here in this moment.
I don’t like the feeling. That feeling of HAVING to do something or feeling like I SHOULD be doing something. To be accomplishing at every moment. Of not being able to relax and be. Of not welcoming the moment that is right in front of me. Of not being present in the time I am sharing with my husband or friends.
SO I will practice. I will practice letting go of busyness. I will practice being with that frantic feeling of “you need to be doing something!” without actioning on it. I will practice returning to the moment in front of me again and again. I will breathe and allow for what is here.
How do you all find that balance? To be productive when you need to be and then to be still or present in the downtime when its time for that?
Life brings everything. You are not doing life “wrong” if sometimes you are sad. If sometimes you don’t want to get off the couch. If you get angry with others. Life is highs and lows. Life is success and failure. Life is struggle and ease. Life is the complete human experience.
We can’t only embrace the highs and expect no lows. I would argue that you won’t enjoy the highs as much without also allowing for without judgement the lows. How can you savor the highest happiness with out also tasting deep sadness? How can you wallow in blissful peace with out standing in complete fear?
I am still learning to embrace all of it. To not judge myself for when I feel “less than enlightened.” LOL. I do, of course, want my life to be all sunshines, hugs and rainbows (and I have a lot of that) but the reality is that the human experience brings everything. I am not bad or wrong for not always being blissful. I don’t need to hammer judgement down on myself for feeling fear, anger, depression. I can just allow for all of those, embrace them and know that 1) they will pass just like everything else in life and 2) everyone… and I mean truly everyone, experiences this.
So sit back, relax and embrace it all. 🙂 We are lucky to be alive and experiencing it.
Recently, as you might be able to tell from reading this blog or the ZB Facebook page, I have been struggling with how to deal with fear. I started a regular meditation practice again, which honestly has been delightful and helpful. I was also looking the other day for a mantra that I might be able to use and focus on when I am feeling an increase in fear. I googled of course and found some but nothing that really hit me in my heart.
Then on Thanksgiving eve, I am sitting and watching Legends of Tomorrow with my husband. We literally watch every superhero show on TV right now. One character is talking to another one about being afraid and he says,
“Without fear there is no bravery.”
That was it for me. It got me in my heart. <3
It will be with me going forward to use as I step forward into whatever life is going to bring my way. I like the focus that I feel the mantra gives me. The focus is what will keep me stepping forward.
I also appreciate that the feeling of fear is a shared common experience that humans go through. (Which is why the characters on the show were talking about fear and how everyone I have asked about that feeling has some wisdom to impart.)
While that alone for me is worth just sharing. I would be remiss without adding the importance that my husband would place on me getting this from a TV show. He has always used entertainment movies, comics, shows, etc as sources for life lessons. He connects to it in ways I never have. So he will be happy when I tell him all that I picked up from the show last night. 🙂
Playing small feels easy.
Playing small feels safe.
Playing small is comfortable and allows for tiny, comfortable risks.
I know that the terms “living big” or “playing big” have always been the ones that make me cringe a little. It feels like too much. Playing big makes me fearful. Am I brave enough to play bigger? Can I allow for the fear? Will I have the courage to keep stepping foward?
Or do I accept what I know about myself and play safer? Keep things smaller. More controlled. Easier.
I know what all of the self help and leadership books tell me to do. I know what the memes on social media would encourage.
how will I let my life play out?
One of my new years resolutions was to stop bitching out of habit. I had kind of let it slide but recently noticed it again. I have found myself complaining about things to create a little drama perhaps, to get attention, or sometimes because it is what you are supposed to do (like the weather, or traffic or lines in a store… even if I don’t really mind what is happening.)
I will hear myself complaining about something but when I really check in with myself in the moment I realize it is no big deal. It is a weird spot to be in. If I don’t complain here, will I seem weird? Everyone else seems to complain about these things so it is ok, right?
I feel worse if I can tell I am doing it to have an effect somehow like sympathy or attention. Ugh. I don’t like that. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I wonder then if I don’t complain here, will I get my need for wanting some attention met? Or how else could I do it? I am needing something and I might not know what so I throw a complaint out there just to see what response I get. I don’t like the realization that I am doing it. I don’t want to be known as a complainer. I don’t want to be known as some one who creates drama. But much like gossip it feels like a complusion and part of it feels good in my brain.
As is often the case, the solution seems to be slow down and breathe. Be mindful of the words about to come out of my mouth and make a different choice. I can recognize and allow for the routine of complaining or the need for sympathy and attention but I make a different choice on how that shows up. On how I show up.
I have been wondering recently about the reaction women sometimes have to other women. I have some friends that are “step off a fitness cover” fit. It is something I have always wanted to have but never achieved.
But I hate the thoughts that have been through my head sometimes: “If you weren’t so nice, I would hate you.”
Why would I feel the need to not like them because they are super fit and gorgeous? How in anyway does that take away from me? From who I am in the world? I know I am not alone in this because I have heard similar thoughts come from other women. I just am curious about the reaction I have noticed in myself and others. The more secure I have become in myself the less impact these thoughts have or the less they even show up.
I truly believe that there is enough for all of us to shine. There is enough to embrace and support each other. There is enough to celebrate our successful, smart, beautiful friends who may have what we want as we are all successful, smart and beautiful in our unique ways. Know that the celebration, support, and love does not take way from what we want to accomplish nor who we are as human beings, who are all involved in the delightful journey of existence.
I carry this philosophy into my business world too. Clearly there are many other gyms out there, CrossFit or otherwise. I could get wrapped up into what they are doing and charging and view them all as competitiors to be beaten. Or….
I can acknoweldge that we are all working to get people stronger, healthier, moving better. My gym is not like other gyms and I don’t want my gym to be a copy of what someone else is doing. I want it to be a reflection of the values and energies of me and my business partners. How can we (being the gyms in the area) learn from each other and support and grow as a greater community? There is room for all of us to shine to play a roll in our communities to help make them stronger and healthier.
You know what I really hate?
When I see him, I get angry. I want to punch his sad mopey face. He is always sad. Always a party pooper even though he is surrounded by friends. He walks slow. He is hunchy and shuffling.
You know why he drives me so crazy? He is the visual representation of me at my worst. The part of me I am afraid I people are going to see and no longer like me. They will see how I get depressed for no reason. They will see how sad and tired I feel sometimes. They might see how I withdraw and yet try to silently shout my needs non-verbally. When I am deep in my space of “not-enoughness” and I see a picture of Eeyore, it makes me sick. I sometimes forget all of my kindness practice and I am not kind to me. I feel angry and impatient with myself that I can’t be different in the moment, that I can’t just talk myself out of this place.
I find it impossible to offer Eeyore any compassion. Fuck, dude. Pull your shit together. You are surrounded by happy friends. You are alive and besides the fact your tail constantly falls off you seem to have your health. Be happy dammit.
Ok, maybe it is myself I can’t offer compassion to in those moments. I still have work to do… in breathing, allowing, being kind when its the last thing I feel like doing.
Do you have a something/someone that represents you at your low points?
These past few weeks have brought many challenges as life tends to do. Physical pain, an ailing parent, tensions with a close friend, hormones, a lack of sleep. I was on my way home one evening and feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything. I was running lists of everything that was going wrong at the moment and how bad it all felt.
And then I remembered…
my favorite poem from Rumi. It talks about inviting all of your emotions in for tea. Welcoming them in like friends.
I took a breath.
I named everything I was feeling.
I turned in and faced everything. I welcomed them and allowed for them to be.
When I was done, I felt some more space. I was able to breathe better. It didn’t solve any of my problems. It didn’t all magically go away. I will still tired. My Dad still wasn’t better. I still was struggling with my friend. My back still hurt.
I wasn’t as overwhelmed. I felt more present. I felt more space between me and what was happening. That felt pretty darn good.
Recently, I did a little “Be Brave Everyday” challenge with my barbell group.
I challenged them to think about how they can be a bit braver in their day to day lives. Maybe figure out how to live a bit bigger each day.
For myself, I enjoyed just turning my focus towards bravery each day and seeing how it might show up. Some of it was big things like going to a women’s networking event and not knowing anyone. Some days it was small things like staying in extroverted mode a bit longer, rather than shutting down. Admittedly there were a few days when I didn’t know what, if anything to share at all.
I enjoyed what others were sharing and noticing and that we were all thinking about how we could be braver.
So I challenge you to be BRAVE every day… step into the fear and do it anyway. See what opportunities it creates, the people you connect with, what you notice about yourself about being brave.
Let me know how it goes.
I am having one of those mornings that I love. I am absolutely buzzing with the joy and wonder of being alive. It is THIS feeling that I want ALL the time. I want it to stay and be and let me settle in it every moment I am alive. It is during these times when I am grateful for virtually every breath I take, where I consciously great each moment. I wish grasping, holding, wanting made it last even longer.
But this feeling, this “awakeness” will pass. Like all moments.
So I will allow it, welcome it and let it arise and pass. This of course, feels easy to do with more positive emotions. I am practicing it as well with anything that arises – hunger, boredom, depression, fatigue. Knowing again that these states, being a part of life, will arise and then pass bringing something new in the next new moment or wave.