The first weekend in May, I participated in a 5k called the Rugged Maniac. It was one of those obstacle/mud runs that are happening all over the place now. I completed it with one of my friends and had a blast. However, in looking at some of the pictures from that race I could hear that little inner voice saying “You should be smaller. You are gigantic.”
When that little voice pops up, it often throws me out of sorts.
Physically, I feel a little nauseous and sometimes feel heat in my face and body.
Mentally, I feel like I am REALLY not ok as I am and it makes me WANT to shrink.
That little voice has been with me for a very long time. It used to be a constant companion narrating for me all the ways in my life that I wasn’t ok especially with my body. Its funny (actually, its not) that it was still there even when I was a size 4, the smallest I have been in as an adult. There is no pleasing this voice and it is never satisfied.
As I have practiced more loving who I am in this world, exactly as I am right now, that little voice is not as constant. It does take lots of practice – you can’t just know that you are ok once or twice and that little voice goes away. You have to consistently work at it or you find yourself stuck back in the pattern of I am not ok as I am. It can be challenging especially when the world around us – culture, advertising, and sometimes even friends and family – tell us that we are not ok as we are. There can be a great deal of pressure to be “smaller”.
I have learned that little voice is not just about the weight, its about who I am as a person. It is telling me – you are not ok as you are. You know what? Its a liar.
If I am not ok as I am right now – loving me in this moment, then I am not going to be ok when I am “over there”. (What ever “over there” represents for you – when you are thinner, richer, have more free time, etc. ) Happiness can be found as you are right now and in this moment.
There are moments when I hear this voice that I pause and pay attention to what it has to say or why I am feeling that way. Other times I just tell it to shut the fuck up. 🙂